Finally come to terms with reality. I guess it's being more than halfway through my twenties and all the bizarrely terrible things that have happened in the past couple years. I've decided to be a veterinary technician, and maybe even be almost normal. I still want to work on drawings on the side, with a vague hope that might still go somewhere for me, but there's so much uncertainty there and it's just been building more and more since the fire. I can't deal with the rollercoaster anymore. And i love working with animals and am not easily grossed out, and it's nice to know what i actually want to go to school for. For the first time, to be honest.

You get so old so fast if you're not careful, and the burden of chance is a sneaky one. I know i'm not exactly old yet, but geez if i'm not starting to feel it. I don't have the experience of sadness in a self-pitying way anymore. Just the naked awareness of true indifference. It's freeing in one way, but also hugely intimidating and discouraging. Either you take joy in having your life in your own hands, or you despair in the loneliness and frightfulness of it. When you're floating, hoping some abstract dream randomly comes true, it's an embarrassing disappointment when you realize it never will. And you don't want it bad enough to really work at it. Maybe that's what's worse. Things you thought were so important to you turn out to be another bag of bricks you aren't sure why you keep carrying.

Life is short, and i want to do good. Even on a small scale. I've realized that, although i still love art and will probably pick it up off and on throughout my life, it is largely narcissistic for me. It might bring some fleeting enjoyment to some people and make me feel like i'm doing something special, but it doesn't help anything in a meaningful way. Developing a social conscience has done wonders for me, but it's turned my identity upside down. I've been donating to Amnesty International, Planned Parenthood, and KPFT Houston for months now and i want to eventually start volunteering. I don't need to be anybody important. I just want to make things better instead of worse. Sitting around scribbling in a sketchbook has only made me feel like i'm not completely useless. It's not good enough anymore. I want to wake up.